Birthday surprises

My husband and I -- just like many other parents who have children with special needs -- had some disappointing birthdays and Christmases before we learned how to calibrate our expectations of our autistic son.  I remember his second Christmas, when he was about 18 months old, being so disappointed because he showed almost no interest in any of the "age appropriate" gifts we gave him.  He just wanted to lay on his stomach, rolling and unrolling the edge of the area rug.  Over and over again.

We've gotten better.  We know our son better.  We've adjusted our expectations.  It's not that we expect less -- we expect DIFFERENT.  

So this year, for his 5th birthday, we decided it was time for two things that typical kids do: a bike with training wheels, and a birthday party with friends.

The bike was a success.  He was thrilled -- if a little nervous -- when we unveiled it.  He wasn't completely sure he wanted to get on it, but he definitely wanted to be near it.  When we put on his helmet, we told him it was time to go up to the end of our private road.  Instead of getting on the bike, he said, "I will just run."  And off he went, wearing his bike helmet, running at full speed.  

To be fair, we didn't say, "Let's get on your bike and go up to the end of the road," so what he was doing was perfectly reasonable.  He eventually got on the bike and let his dad push him around a little bit.  

But the real story was the birthday party.  This wasn't just any party.  This was Archie's Birthday Party.  Capitalized.  Taking cues from various parenting-a-kid-with-special-needs blogs, we included elements we knew he'd like -- friends of all abilities, light sabers, cupcakes with lots of frosting, sensory bins, train tables, and a bubble machine, to name a few.  But more important, we DIDN'T include elements that we knew wouldn't work for him.  We didn't have any formal plan.  There were no games.  There were no expectations that he would have to fulfill.  He could go anywhere and do anything in the house.  

You know what?  It was a madhouse.  Complete insanity.  We invited parents and siblings, so we had a total of about 35-40 people over the course of two hours.  It was pouring rain that day so we converted the garage into what my grandmother might call a "rumpus room."  

But it was a HIT.  Archie had the best day.  He was so excited every time a new friend came, and had to make sure I understood that a kid who he had previously only seen at school was IN HIS HOUSE.

The real measure of success with Archie is how much and how often he talks about an event after the fact.  For many nights afterward, at bedtime when I ask him if he had a good day, he would say, "It was my birthday one time, and all my friends came.  And I played with light sabers and ate blue frosting.  And cousins were there."

Success.